There comes a moment in everyone’s life, a moment that feels like a cold gust of wind, leaving you with the chilling thought that your mother hates you but loves your siblings.
According to a 2005 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers admit to having a favorite child, and 85% of siblings report experiencing favoritism from their parents.
If you are one of them, you might have felt hurt, angry, jealous, or insecure because of your mother’s preferential treatment of your siblings. You might have wondered what you did wrong to deserve her rejection and even blamed yourself for being unlovable and unworthy.
But let us assure you that’s not the case and you’re not alone. And you are not to blame.
Parental favoritism is a common and complex phenomenon that affects many families around the world. It has grave causes and consequences and can have a lasting impact on your mental health and well-being.
In this article, you’ll see what parental favoritism is, why it happens, and why your mother prefers your siblings over you.
You’ll also explore some practical tips and advice on how to cope with this situation and build a better relationship with your mother and your siblings, despite her favoritism.
So, if you are ready to face this issue and find some solutions, let’s dive in.
Do Moms have a favorite child?
Research indicates that many parents do have a favorite and least favorite child.
One study found that 74% of moms and 70% of dads reported preferential treatment toward one child. This favoritism is typically not about loving one child more than another but rather about how a parent’s personality resonates with one child’s personality more than another.
This doesn’t come without any risk however as perceptions of favoritism can take a definite hit on a kid’s self-esteem. According to research, children who perceive themselves as being the least favorite are more likely to do drugs and use alcohol and cigarettes in their teenage years.
A lot of it can also happen due to the miscommunication between child and parents where the child perceives things in the wrong light almost feeling like your mother hates you but loves your siblings. Nevertheless, the negative effects still prevail.
Your Mother Hates You But Loves Your Siblings – Understanding parental favoritism
Parental favoritism is a complex issue and can be influenced by various factors. Some are due to underlying issues with the parent himself while others are due to social or environmental factors.
Let’s examine these factors from a psychological perspective and see why the parental favoritism happens:
- Child’s Personality and Behavior: This one is a no-brainer as we like people who are considerate and obedient and it’s no different in the case of children. Parents behave more affectionately toward children who are pleasant and affectionate, and they direct more discipline toward children who act out or engage in deviant behavior.
- Birth Order: Parents might invest more in their firstborn child because everything is new and they are just learning the ropes of parenting. The parents also associate high expectations with them and count on them.
While lastborn tends to receive a lot of affection and leniency because of changes in parenting style over time. Parents often become less stringent with rules and more laissez-faire in their parenting approach with subsequent children - Reproductive Success: Parents consider those kids who are likely to contribute to the reproductive success of their genes as their favorite children. This is because we are hard-wired to ensure our survival as a species and the child who exhibits the traits of being a better mate gets favored. Like being beautiful in the case of a girl or being ambitious and successful in the case of a boy.
- Gender: We like people with whom we are familiar and share similar interests and this holds in the families as well. Parents might spend more time with and feel closer to same-gender children than to opposite-gender children.
For example: In non-patriarchal cultures, parents generally favor daughters over sons and vice versa. - Filling a Void: A parent may have a void in their personality due to their own childhood experiences and a child might provide the parent with the emotional closeness and validation that they craved as a child. This can lead to the child receiving special treatment as they are fulfilling an emotional need for the parent.
What to Do When Your Mother Favors Your Sibling
If you feel that your mother hates you but loves your siblings, it can feel as if you are stuck and have nowhere to run to. It can feel very isolating and depressing but there is something that you can do to make your situation better instantly.
Let’s delve into it now.
1. Calm Yourself, At Least For Now
It’s natural to feel upset or hurt when you perceive that your mother hates you but loves your sibling over you. Sometimes, your mother may become defensive and it becomes a challenge to even talk to her.
If you keep focusing on it, you may get into the tunneling vision and feel trapped in the situation. Therefore, the sanest thing to do is to first manage your emotions before addressing the issue.
Take some time to calm down and reflect on your feelings. This will help you approach the situation with a clear mind and prevent any impulsive reactions that could potentially escalate the situation.
Remember, it’s okay to feel upset as it’s part of life and there is nothing wrong with you to begin with. But how you handle the hostile feelings inside you can make a big difference in resolving the issue.
Pro Tip
If you have any impulse to act, tell yourself to do it in 3 days. Taking this time off will help you calm intense emotions and approach the situation with a clearer perspective. After 3 days, if you still want to do it then go for it otherwise don’t.
2. Understand Her Perspective
Try to understand why your mother might be showing favoritism making use of the reasons that already have been discussed above.
Understanding her perspective will help you understand why is she putting you down. Believe it or not, it’s the key to solving your issue. Once you know the answer it will be very easy for you to solve the rest of the puzzle.
Pro Tip
Try to observe what your siblings do that earns them favoring behavior from your mother and what you do to not. It will help you narrow down a list of potential reasons. Then put yourself in your mother’s shoes and ask why you might feel inclined to do such a thing. It will help you pinpoint the exact reason your mother hates you but loves your siblings.
3. Analyze Her Past
Your mother’s attitude could be influenced by her upbringing or past experiences.
For Example
If your mother experienced narcissistic parents who didn’t give her enough attention in her childhood, she has a void left inside of her and suffers from low self-esteem. However, if your sibling is the one who gives her the validation she craves, your mother will naturally favor him over you.
Your job is to analyze the childhood of your mother by asking other family members about it like her parents or siblings. Look for circumstances or events that seem unusual; they can provide insight into where she may have deviated from healthy behavior.
You can also try to find out how she behaved with others to confirm your findings.
4. Identify and Mirror Her Preference
By this time you would have figured out what the childhood of your mother had been like and what could have been potential challenges with her. Now you need to connect all the pieces and deduce her preferences. How does she like to talk and resolve matters or handle conflict and criticism?
It will help you mold your arguments according to her preferences so they sound familiar and likable to her. This will also prevent situations where you genuinely want to resolve an issue, but your mother may not listen because of the way you express it.
For Example
If your mother is an orderly person who makes discipline a priority, be sure to take out the trash and pay bills on time. Or if your mother is a soft-spoken person who resents a loud voice, talk to her in a mild tone.
5. Help Her with Her Needs
And last but not least, spend some quality time with her and create meaningful connections. Be genuinely interested in her, in her problems and needs, and help her overcome them.
Show her that you care about her and her opinion. This will help change her perspective and create a soft corner for you in her heart. Please keep in mind that this isn’t about competing with your siblings but rather building a stronger relationship with your mother.
Pro Tip
Life is busy and it can be easy to forget to spend time with your loved ones. You don’t have to do much but just spare a couple of minutes every day just to ask about her day. Though doesn’t seem much but will help you forge a strong bond with your mother very soon.
Remember, it’s crucial not to blame your sibling for the attitude of your parents. They probably haven’t done anything to encourage their favored treatment. It’s also important to communicate openly with your parents about how you feel.
Conclusion
That brings us to the end of the article. You now know your mother hates you but loves your siblings backed by psychological evidence. You could find some practical tips on what you can do when your mother favors your siblings over you.
Parental favoritism is a complex issue that can negatively affect the minds and hearts of those affected. If you’ve ever felt that your mother seems to favor your siblings over you, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault either. The reasons behind favoritism are often complicated, stemming from factors such as a child’s personality, birth order, reproductive success, and even the parent’s own past experiences.
When you find yourself trapped in such a situation, it’s crucial to keep calm and composed and find your inner peace. Take some time to process your emotions before addressing the issue. This will help you approach the situation with a clear mind and prevent any impulsive reactions that could potentially escalate the situation.
Next, try to step into your mother’s shoes and understand her perspective and past experiences. It can offer valuable insights into her behavior.
Moreover, identify and mirror her preferences to connect with her on a deeper level. Build a stronger connection with your mother by spending quality time and showing genuine interest in her needs and concerns.
Please remember, it’s not about competing with your siblings but about building a stronger relationship with your mother.
Also, keep in mind, that your mother loves you deep inside her that’s why she brought you up so far. She may appear cold outside at times but with the right approach, you can rekindle the connection with her again.
To what point do you relate the most? Let us know in the comments below!
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