To set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling sounds like a delicate balancing act. Well, you’re not alone in thinking that. In fact, it’s a common challenge faced by many.
I personally have struggled with this thing a lot throughout my life where I noticed two extremes.
I would go into silent mode and accept everything others threw at me. But when these things piled up and I tried to address them, I would unknowingly become too demanding and controlling.
It almost felt as if I had to walk on a thin bridge with a ditch on both sides until I educated myself on the points I’m going to share below.
So let’s walk this path together.
Why Setting Boundaries in a Relationship is So Difficult?
Setting boundaries in a relationship always seems like a tedious task, thanks to the values we’ve been instilled with since our childhood.
We humans since the dawn of time have been taught by society to be polite, and considerate and put others before us. But we are never taught up to what extent.
We grow up afraid of saying no to our parents teachers and others. Even if someone once in a millennium gathers the courage to do to so is quickly hammered down by others.
All these actions instill a seed inside our subconscious mind that saying no is a bad thing. We also fear being judged by society which is like a banishment to us.
That’s why you try to set a boundary in a relationship, you feel guilty for not putting him before you as instructed by society. You also fear being judged by society for it and you keep indulging in these thoughts until you give up the idea of standing up for yourself.
What Happens When You Don’t Set Boundaries in a Relationship
According to Robert B. Cialdini, we humans like consistency in our behaviors. When we do something for someone in a particular manner, a rhythm is set for us. The next time to be consistent, you’ll have to do that thing again for them.
The reason is if you refuse it now, it’s like saying “I made the wrong decision last time ”, and no one wants to believe that he’s stupid. Therefore to avoid hurting their ego, he’ll prefer being consistent with it.
A Past Experience
Some years ago, I had a close friend who once became too interested in my private life. I found his behavior odd but didn’t react.
He might have perceived my silent reservation as approval and intervened to the point where he would ask me to let him through his mobile.
Being naturally an agreeable person, I couldn’t say no but faced serious consequences in the form of my self-esteem going down and other private matters.
When I finally decided enough was enough and got the courage to stand up for myself for the first time in my life, he was shunned initially. Everything became fine after a meet-up but the point is if you don’t set boundaries in a relationship, you’ll be consumed.
Also, others may not have evil intentions but they will take your silent mode as an approval and keep going with their demands.
5 Healthy Ways to Set Boundaries in a Relationship Without Being Controlling
So far, we have seen why we find it difficult to draw boundaries with people and the potential consequences if we fail to do so and become too agreeable.
But you don’t have to worry about it now as the tips given below will help you set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling.
So, let’s dive into them without wasting any time.
1. Assess The Situation
You first need to know the rules of the game you want to play.
Nothing is more embarrassing than putting up an argument with someone only to realize halfway through that you’ve been wrong all along.
To save yourself a lot of time and of course from embarrassment, you must have a good understanding of the healthy boundaries of a relationship.
Identifying the problem is half a solution and it’s vital to know your rights and where they are being wronged if you want to set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling.
Therefore before jumping to draw relationship boundaries, look at a few things to equip yourself with the necessary knowledge.
- Who is the person you’re dealing with right now?
- How do they handle their boundaries? Are they lenient with you or rather assertive?
- Have you ever felt they take advantage of your soft nature?
- Are they naturally pushovers or only this way with you?
These questions will help you understand the situation better. You’ll know if they are doing this on purpose or just ignorant of themselves.
If they are doing it on purpose then it won’t be fruitful to set boundaries in a relationship with them since they already know their wrongdoings and are only taking advantage of you. If you try hard to persuade them, they’ll just jump to the next target and abandon you.
2. Think From the Other’s Perspective
If you want to set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling, the crucial thing is not to forget about the interests of others.
There’s a thin line between setting healthy boundaries and being too demanding.
Where most people fail is when they get too excited about their interests and completely throw others out of the picture.
This only escalates the situation and creates tension.
And to avoid getting into a situation like this, you need to be empathic.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their perspective. It will send a message to the other person that the argument you’re putting to the table isn’t one-sided and also caters to their needs and concerns.
3. Go For Mutual Interest
Best deals are those that benefit both parties and it’s still the case if you want to set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling.
A relationship based on mutual respect and understanding prospers the most since any side doesn’t have to compromise on their values to keep it going.
Humans are hard-wired to invest in the things they find to benefit them in some way. It has been passed to us by our ancestors when the resources were scarce and it only made sense to spend them when the return was good.
Our time and energy are also resources and therefore humans are interested in investing them when they can see some benefit from it.
Therefore the other person will be very likely to acknowledge your boundaries without feeling compelled when they can see them getting a fair share too.
For Example
If your partner goes with their friends too much at the cost of their time with you, instead of telling them to stop going with their friends, you need to understand they have their circle and priorities.
If you force them to stop visiting their friends, even if they initially give in, they will secretly yearn for the desire to rebel against you and it may happen somewhere in the future and spoil the relationship.
What you can do here is ask them to see their friends once a week (or according to their preference).
This way you’ll be respecting their freedom and values and also addressing your concern effectively.
4. Maintain Honesty
The stage of setting boundaries in a relationship usually happens when one party has been facing a hard time lately because of the other person and now wants to communicate.
But because one party suffered a bit before communicating, the negative energy inside will prompt them to avenge themselves and it can easily lead to a blame game.
Therefore, to set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling, you don’t want the other person to feel as if you’re doing it to hurt him.
You should tackle the issue but not point your argument towards the person.
When the other person will perceive themselves as safe, they will now listen to what you say and are very likely to accept it because of your good gesture.
5. Communicate With Purpose
If someone comes up to you with some issue and then discusses it with you in a sarcastic or joking tone, what will be your reaction?
Will you take him seriously? Good chances are you’ll just brush it off thinking that he’s just being funny.
It is the issue when someone wants to communicate healthy boundaries in a relationship but isn’t comfortable doing it. So they resort to sarcasm to lighten the tension but fail to sound assertive. The other person then just doesn’t take it seriously due to their wrong delivery and they grow further distant.
It happens because we humans rely on shortcuts to make decisions.
If you see two people fighting on the street but also hear them laughing, you’ll quickly conclude that they are having fun because of that laugh.
We judge things based on their appearance and demand a serious demeanor for serious discussion.
Therefore, while drawing the boundaries in a relationship, you must sound assertive and avoid being sloppy to avoid the other person getting the wrong message.
Conclusion
That brings us to the end of the article.
You could explore insightful tips to set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling.
Setting boundaries in a relationship can be quite a challenge due to the societal values ingrained in us from a young age.
We may feel insecure and bad when saying no to someone but it can consume us quickly if it doesn’t stop.
Therefore, it is crucial to draw healthy boundaries in relationships to take care of your mental health and relationships.
Since it’s a sensitive topic, it’s easy to mess it up and escalate the situation but the tips mentioned here will take care of it. You’ll be able to communicate your boundaries assertively without straining your relationship but further improving it.
That sums up everything so far.
What’s your take on this topic? I’d love to hear you. Also, let me know in the comments below which tip poses the most challenge.
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