Have you been facing a tough time from others that got you thinking how to be cold-hearted?
Unfortunately, many selfless and kind-hearted people would ask this question sometimes in their lives when they find others taking advantage of their considerate nature while those rather on a selfish spectrum tend to get what they want.
They may begin to see their caring nature as a weakness and these bitter experiences push these frustrated souls to their limits.
They may retaliate and tell themselves to be cold-hearted and ruthless to avoid being exploited. Though there might be some truth attached to it, but it is not the correct way to fix your problem.
Your relationships are bound to take a serious hit and you’ll isolate yourself in the long run which is dangerous.
Then what should we do?
Know first and then act! You should know why you get exploited and then be cold-hearted strategically to deflect troubles without straining your relationships.
Sounds interesting? Then stick around as the next few minutes will be very valuable for you.
Why Nice People Get Wronged?
Nice guys finish last.
Though not the same context here but the idea is similar.
You must’ve noticed that kind people would rarely find anyone who would reciprocate their kindness. Most often, they would attract people who would exploit them for their polite nature to meet their interests. To add to that, they wouldn’t receive the optimal respect either.
But why this unfairness? Human nature. We humans are creatures of habit.
According to Cialdini’s principle of consistency: A person faces interpersonal pressure to behave in a consistent manner with what he said or done previously.
Without being very technical about it, nice people when they do something kind, would feel a pressure to be consistent in their behavior in following events. They strive to be consistent in their behavior even if others begin to abuse it and they soon enough lose the sense of reality.
They feel as if they don’t have a choice and keep bearing the abuse of the oppressor. Here are some examples:
- A polite employee would be picked up by his colleagues because they are sure he would maintain his polite appearance.
- A friend would keep bashing you but would resort back when they need something.
- A rebel kid would cross the parents because he knows they can’t abandon him.
All these scenarios have one thing in common. The oppressor perceives his targets won’t fight back. And when nothing holds you back, it gives a breeding ground for more abuse. And the oppressed one will find it very hard to turn the tables because doing so will contradict the above principle.
Should You Be Cold-Hearted to Fight Back?
You may begin to think as if being kind is some sort of a weakness. To answer this, no it isn’t. Instead, it is one of the most critical aspects that helps you forge strong bonds. But like everything in life, there has to be balance to it otherwise you’ll find people abusing you for your polite nature.
“Be kind all the time” or “Turn the other cheek around” may sound very heroic on paper but this isn’t the case in practical life.
People will treat you like a doormat and won’t respect you for who you are.
Experiences like these may prompt you to be cold-hearted and just care about yourself and not others. This is another extreme however and very damaging to your relationships.
The correct way is to respect others and their boundaries but also respect yourself. You don’t have to compromise on your values to please others.
Now let’s see how to be cold-hearted without being a jerk.
How To Be Cold-Hearted Without Being a Jerk
In our pursuit to be cold-hearted, we are not looking for ways to hurt others actively but rather avoid our kind selves being exploited by others and maintain our sanity.
1. Learn When to Withdraw
One of the main reasons people get taken advantage of is their inability to separate illusions from reality.
They are stuck on “how things should be” rather than focusing on how things really are.
The truth is many people are always there preaching about moral values but humans are innate to put their own interests first. Our primary goal is to survive as a species and it starts with us.
When we feel our interests are endangered, we’ll put everyone aside to protect ourselves and our loved ones.
It’s somewhat a harsh reality but naïve ones misinterpret this a big time and strive to be a Batman in all situations.
You shouldn’t do that because such behavior doesn’t come risk-free.
You first put yourself in jeopardy with this and risk your close friends and family members. You are not going to win medals either as people will hardly remember your sacrifice.
I’m not against helping and uplifting others. Do this with all your might. But if helping someone means compromising your interests or those close to you, don’t!
Don’t try to be a hero for one person while being a villain for yourself and a dozen others. Learn to see the bigger picture.
2. Be Okay with Conflicts
Conflicts are an integral part of our lives. If someone says he doesn’t come across conflicts, either he’s lying or doesn’t have his way of doing things.
This world is breathing with people from all different backgrounds, values, and cultures. It makes the world so much more colorful and diversified but also on the flip side, an arena of competition.
Different people have different values and preferences and when they interact with each other, conflicts are bound to happen. There’s nothing wrong about it.
But it becomes all wrong when you compromise to the point of losing your identity and being swallowed. Such a person is seen as weak by others and not respected at all.
If you are in the same boat and want to be cold-hearted, it’s to make some changes.
- Don’t panic if you come across conflicts. When you stumble into one, tell yourself you’re doing well holding your values.
- It’s not an overnight process and will take time. Fending off all the anxiety accumulated over the years will also take time, but it will happen.
- Start with small things. If you go out with your friends and they force you to eat a certain dish, tell them that you’d like different.
- These small changes will boost your self-esteem and motivate you to handle larger and more serious issues.
- Rinse and repeat and you’ll be a different person in the coming months.
3. Don’t Try to Be in Everyone’s Good Books
Yet another problem that is a nightmare for many. We’ve been taught from our childhood to be polite and considerate towards others. It instills a fear in us as children that we must comply with this otherwise run a risk of being banished and isolated.
It dates back to the cave days when isolation from your group would mean serious consequences or even death but this instinct is still alive in humans.
But this need to belong to a group and keep everyone happy makes us desperate to go overboard and burden ourselves with unnecessary responsibilities.
And that’s not what you should do if you want to be cold-hearted.
Remember, you’re not obliged to make others happy. It’s their headache. Yes, you should be respectful and empathic toward others but never compromise on yourself or important people just to please others.
4. Don’t Let Anyone Insult You; React
In my workplace, there were two employees of the same designation but there was a massive difference in how people treated them.
One was treated with respect while the other one was ridiculed even by many junior designations. It prompted me to wonder why it’s that. Then after spending a year working with both of them, I figured it out.
It all started with a subtle change. The person who was ridiculed, when people would make a teasing comment about him in jest, would never react.
Though small and seemingly innocent initially, the remarks kept getting bolder till everyone began to throw everything at him and him being quiet, like always.
The other one however always reacted to the remarks, sometimes with humor and other times with conviction, but it always happened.
The reason why you should never let anyone insult you is because if you don’t respect yourself and take a stand for yourself, no one will respect you either.
Not reacting to insults screams “I can’t defend myself, I’m weak”. People will see you as an easy target.
While showing others you can voice for yourself means “I am not going without a fight” and people want to avoid conflict.
The next time someone throws a nasty remark at you, even if you don’t have the best comeback in your head, say:
“I don’t appreciate the way you treated me.”
The idea is always to react to keep the potential offenders at bay.
Conclusion
We’ve made it to the end of the article. Usually, when people want to be cold-hearted, it’s not they want to be rude to others but they have been treated poorly due to their polite and laid-back demeanor.
In this article, you could see some simple yet effective strategies to avoid getting into the trap of niceness and let others know you’re not someone to be messed with while still being respectful.
I hope it was a powerful read for you. Remember that your life is your responsibility, and you must respect and love yourself, make your choices, and avoid being a doormat.
You don’t deserve to endure the unnecessary drama of others, learn to distinguish between who’s playing you and who genuinely needs help.