10 Expert Signs You Have a Toxic Daughter-in-Law

Are you wondering if you have a toxic daughter-in-law?

The relationship between you and your daughter-in-law is nevertheless quite sensitive due to the nature of relationship dynamics.

In a US study from 2022, mothers indicated having more conflict with their daughters-in-law than their daughters.

According to a study by Terri Apter, a psychologist at the University of Cambridge, 60% of women admitted their relationship with their female in-law caused them long-term unhappiness and stress.

Also, two-thirds of daughters-in-law believed their husband’s mother frequently showed jealous, maternal love towards their son.

These metrics clearly indicate that a relationship with the daughter-in-law can prove to be quite a challenge. In this article, we will see the signs and behaviors that make a daughter-in-law toxic to deal with. You will also learn how to cope with a toxic daughter-in-law.

So without further ado, let’s get started.

Why The Relationship with Daughter-in-law Becomes Challenging

We humans are creatures of habit. We have our likes, dislikes, and boundaries shaped over time due to the life experiences we had. This can lead to a conflict of interest between you and your daughter-in-law.

The mother-in-law may not approve of the personality or background of the daughter-in-law which may lead to conflict. Or it could be the case where both of them have conflicting expectations about their roles and responsibilities which can ultimately translate to misunderstanding and tension.

For Example

If the daughter-in-law comes from a home where elders do the cooking while the mother-in-law has a background where the youngsters are responsible for doing this, this can lead to a conflict of expectations.

The mother-in-law will expect her daughter-in-law to cook for the house while the other won’t feel the same way. And if any complaint is made on this, the daughter-in-law will think:

“How weird is she? Does she think of me as a maid?”

Both of them may also compete for the husband or son which can ultimately lead to jealousy and hostility between the two.

Signs You Have a Toxic Daughter-In-Law

So far you have seen how the relationship dynamics between you and your daughter-in-law can take a negative turn and create tension.

However, if your daughter-in-law has toxic tendencies, it can escalate the situation further.

So let’s take a look at signs your daughter-in-law is toxic.

1. She Loves to Twist Facts

What drives a person more than coming across something that twists the facts at every go? If it’s true in your case then here’s the bad news, you have a toxic daughter-in-law.

You may have any conflict with her and then find her narrating the story to your son with exaggerated flavor. If she is really clever, she will lie by omission. Lying by omission means telling the facts that favor you and leaving out the rest of the information. Upon confrontation, such a person can always argue “I was not being very specific”.

This type of behavior is mostly found in people with Machiavellian personalities and you should be really careful around them since they are masters at twisting facts.

2. She Is Two-Faced

There is no shortage of two-faced people in this world and it is likely to be the case with your toxic daughter-in-law.

She may act very polite and nice when she needs a favor but become very rude other times.

These encounters can leave you wondering how can a person do that without feeling any remorse.

For Example

She may brag in public setting how well she mingles with you but in reality, she doesn’t even bother to ask you how is your day.

Let’s dig down into this issue

Two-faced people usually have a personality disorder like narcissism or borderline personality which makes them lack empathy.

Your daughter-in-law might have a harsh time with her mother which adds to her poor self-esteem and now she projects the same thing on you and sees little conflicts as acts of betrayal.

It’s like two different people living in the frame.

3. She Isolates Your Son from You

If your daughter-in-law tries to isolate your son from you, it is a red sign of emotional abuse. She could be trying to cut him off from his family and friends and make him solely dependent on her. This way she will have him under her thumb and sort of make him her puppet.

And since he won’t have any aid at his disposal during difficult times, he will be relying on her.

But why will your daughter-in-law engage in such toxic behavior?

Well, she might be insecure and afraid that she is not good enough and he may abandon her for someone. She sees you and other people as a threat to her relationship and therefore tries to eliminate any such source.

She may even fill his ears for you and others to make him have negative assumptions. Such people are quite dangerous and you should definitely keep an eye on them since they could be planning to harm you.

4. She Plays the Victim Perfectly

You may do something with clean intentions but your daughter-in-law will point out a flaw out of nowhere. She will twist the situation to come out as a victim to gain the sympathy of others and leave you to emerge as a villain.

You may even notice her fabricating or exaggerating pain to gain sympathy and avoid accountability or consequences.

For Example

She may start a fight with you over a petty issue like doing the dishes but when others know about the quarrel, she cries about how tired she is and you have no concern for her health.

This toxic behavior of your daughter-in-law can be understood from a psychological perspective.

A 2020 study suggests they a victim mentality is a personality trait. It is labeled as TIV (Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood) and includes four patterns:

1. Desire for recognition as a victim.
2. Feelings of moral superiority
3. Limited empathy for others.
4. Frequent rumination.

Your daughter-in-law might have developed the victim mentality as a coping mechanism for her past traumatic experiences and now she’s distrustful of others.

Her past is haunting you along with her.

5. She Knows When to Pull Strings:

If she seems to know the art of pressing buttons at the right moments and turning the situation to her advantage then you might be having a toxic daughter in law.

She effortlessly exploits the situation using her charm and charisma and also persuades people to believe her foul plays.

For Example

She may be lazy in her routine life and won’t do her chores but as soon as you expect a visitor, she will jump on her toes and act as if there’s no one else who does so much work.

Such behavior is common among people with Machiavellian personalities

These people have a knack for cunning and manipulative behavior and tend to be highly strategic.

6. She Undermines Your Opinion

If you constantly find your daughter-in-law undermining your opinions and advice, it’s not a good sign. It is actually a sign of contempt where she thinks of you as inferior and considers your opinions and values as useless.

It might be because she has a sense of superiority and entitlement and thinks that she knows better than you or she is a stubborn person who is not willing to compromise on her beliefs.

And this is why it happens.

Your daughter-in-law might have a cognitive bias, the Dunning Kruger effect where she overestimates her abilities and considers your ideas useless. Of course, she is not going to express it openly because humans are hard-wired to avoid conflict.

But it is also not natural to suppress this feeling for too long, therefore, most people resort to indirect ways to vent their frustration and show their disdain.

And this is what your daughter-in-law is doing. She is telling you how stupid you are by rejecting your advice and throwing your words in a trash can.

7. She Is the Blame Projector

One defense mechanism that is common among masses is the blame projection, and if holds in your case, chances are you have a toxic daughter-in-law.

Blame projection is the case where you shift your negative feelings and impulses onto others to protect one’s ego.

For example

If your partner is having thoughts of cheating on you, they may project these thoughts on you and blame you for planning to cheat on them.

Blame projection is often used by people who have narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder.

These disorders are characterized by their lack of empathy, disregard for the feelings of others, and low esteem, and hence have no problem projecting their insecurities and negative feelings onto others.

The next time your toxic daughter-in-law blames you for not caring about her feelings while you’re not at fault, don’t be surprised as now you know why.

8. She Controls Your Son’s Behavior

If she tries to control your son’s behavior, it’s a potential sign you have a toxic daughter-in-law.

Controlling someone’s behavior is a manipulative tactic that is exploited through several ways like guilt-tripping or selective rewarding.

If your daughter-in-law happens to be in the same boat, she might even be a narcissist and lacks empathy.

And this is how it works.

If your daughter-in-law wants to control your son, she will trap him with manipulative phrases like:

“You didn’t spend the weekend with me, you no longer love me”.

It will send the other person on the defensive and automatically bring her leverage.

Or she may shower him with attention and affection when he does something of her choice. For example, if he rejects someone’s invitation to spend time with her, she may behave with extra affection and care.

It’s a subtle message, if you follow me, you will be rewarded.

It will let your son slip under her thumb to chase her affection and validation.

9. She Makes Negative Comments About You or Other Family Members

This is another way for your toxic daughter-in-law to express her resentment towards you or other family members. She would make negative comments and indulge in gossip to throw dirt at you.

Actually, she is venting her frustration and trying to boost her ego by putting you down.

Such type of behavior stems from low self-esteem or insecurity.

Backbiting is so common and is usually observed in people with low self-esteem. These poor souls don’t have the guts to accomplish anything therefore they try to bring others down to make themselves feel better.

There are two ways to have the tallest building in town. One is to put in effort and build one yourself, or demolish every other building that is taller than yours.

10. She Knows How to Rationalize

Does your daughter-in-law put up an ill behavior but then come up with a rationalization?

If so then you have a toxic daughter-in-law who fails to acknowledge her amoral etiquette.

You may get hurt by her behavior and try to address your feelings to her, but she will rationalize her behavior in such a way that will leave you wondering if you’re overreacting.

Is this in your head or her rationalization is unfair? Let’s dig it.

According to psychology, rationalization is a defense mechanism on a subconscious level that people use to minimize the negative consequences of their actions and make their unethical behavior bearable.

For Example

Your toxic daughter-in-law may quarrel with you but then rationalize it saying, “It wasn’t that bad”.

It could be your daughter-in-law has a cognitive bias, a mental error that disturbs her perception and judgment.  She may also have a high need for consistency which makes her avoid cognitive dissonance (discomfort of holding contradicting beliefs).

For instance, if your daughter-in-law thinks of herself as moral but then wrongs you, she will rationalize her unethical behavior to align with her belief in herself.

Coping With a Toxic Daughter-In-Law

If you have a toxic daughter-in-law, you would know how miserable it may feel to be blamed for things you had never imagined.

It can lead you to feel powerless and miserable. It is also difficult to approach someone who perceives everything as an attack. But you don’t have to go that way as there are ways to make your situation better.

1. Know What’s Happening

Try to understand the situation of your daughter-in-law. She may be coming from a difficult household and had a harsh time with her mother. She now projects the same thing on you and sees you in a similar light.

Understanding this will help you understand that her hostility towards you is nothing personal and doesn’t do it on purpose.

2. Have An Open Discussion

You can have a sit down with her and let her know that you can understand the good intentions in her and that she only struggles to communicate them effectively. Due to her difficult childhood, she would greatly crave a deep affectionate bond with a motherly figure and your act of compassion will bring her walls of defenses down.

3. Refrain From Sharing Sensitive Information in The Meantime

Healing from childhood trauma isn’t an overnight process and takes time. In the meantime, you should refrain from sharing any sensitive or potentially conflict-causing information.

For Example

If she always complains that you never invite her which you don’t due to some genuine reason, don’t tell her about the party last weekend. It will trigger feelings of abandonment in her and she’ll be in her old ways again.

4. Have A Witness When Interacting

Nothing feels more terrible than other people twisting your facts and projecting you as a villain, and you don’t have any proof to prove your innocence.

Therefore, always have a witness when interacting with your toxic daughter-in-law to have backup proof if anything goes wrong.

Even better, commit with her through written communication like messages to have a record.

5. Distance Yourself

If you’ve exhausted all your options and still can’t tame the hostility of your toxic daughter-in-law, just distance yourself from her.

You have your life and mental health as well and should not be compromising on that for anything.

Limit your interactions with her, don’t indulge much in her affairs, and keep your distance from her life. It’s better for you in the long run.

Conclusion

You’ve finally made it to the end of the article.

You now know the signs that you have a toxic daughter-in-law and what can you do to make your situation better.

A toxic daughter-in-law could be the result of insecurity, childhood trauma, or past bad experiences.

We’ve covered all the major signs from a psychological perspective to understand them to their core.

Dealing with such a person can be challenging as you can easily succumb to their toxicity if not kept in check therefore you should understand the situation before jumping into their affair.

So that sums up the article. We hope that you now have a good understanding of the foul plays of your daughter-in-law.

Also, let us know in the comments below what you think about it.

References

Ayers, Jessica & Krems, Jaimie & Hess, Nicole & Aktipis, C.. (2022). Mother-in-Law Daughter-in-Law Conflict: an Evolutionary Perspective and Report of Empirical Data from the USA. Evolutionary Psychological Science. 8. 10.1007/s40806-021-00312-x.

Knoll, M., Starrs, C.J., Perry, J.C. (2020). Rationalization (Defense Mechanism). In: Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T.K. (eds) Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-24612-3_1419